Returning To Service After Trauma: Musings On A Monday Afternoon

You come into this life with nothing and you leave with nothing. The only thing you can do with your life is give it away. This is the true essence of feeling purposeful – Dr. Wayne Dyer

Despite my rants about religion, be it new age, or the good-old-time variety, now and again a gem of wisdom jumps into my vision, which resonates with my soul (I may not be religious, but to think all of this happened due to the random juxtaposition of molecules is absurd).

Since I have yet to write a comprehensive account of what I went through the last few years,  here is a quick summary:

  • October 19, 2011: I walked off of my job for a variety of reasons, which I have detailed in others places, and truly will return to here, provided doing so does not hold me back.
  • November, 2011: Three weeks after quitting my job, I woke up from a night of peaceful sleep, and my right arm was paralyzed. It took five months before I could get anybody to take me seriously enough to give me the time of day.
  • After two trips to the ER in April of 2012, an x-ray was taken. Finally. I was in a world of hurt, but at least I was not stupid – the doctor sat on the edge of the table – “You were right. Your neck is fucked”.  An MRI revealed that I was running dangerously low on spinal fluid.
  • Two days later I had a titanium plate in my neck, and my cervical vertebrae (C4-C7) were fused.

To this day, I am still working with doctors, trying to figure out how best to proceed: disability? That sucks, however, there is permanent damage and a lot of pain when I perform many tasks.  No matter, there has to be a reason to get up every day.

I have had four neurosurgeons review my case, only to be told to start over with the original surgeon (this after a year of looking for a second opinion).

In addition, my spirit has taken many hits with the ending of a 25-year friendship after making the mistake to partner up, and the deaths of some of the strongest corner stones in my support network.

However, something clicked today that has been missing for a bit: Understanding.

Most of the happiest memories I have, from the happiest times of my life, are of helping others.

The specific path remains to be revealed to me, but for the first time in a couple of years, I feel the vibe of the only thing being worth while is to help others. In addition to providing purpose, it is a wonderful way to relieve some of the stress of seeing so many people who need help (duh).

What can I do? How many hours can I work, if I can work at all? How do I survive back in the matrix, without being of it?  Paid, or volunteer? – All of these questions are unanswered, but my intention is set.

I subscribe to the tenet that an unexamined life is not worth living, and upon further examination, the only way to live while examining life is to be in service to it. I look forward to coming back.